


Remembering to Forget

by americanthunder67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drama, Ex-Boyfriends, Feels (I hope), M/M, Past Relationships, Romance, Separation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5189282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanthunder67/pseuds/americanthunder67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years is long enough for someone to move one, right?<br/>A Destiel oneshot</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering to Forget

**Author's Note:**

> Since my ThunderShield muse went gallivanting to the edges of unknown, my Destiel muse decided to ambush and let me rant. This happened. Hope you like it. :)
> 
> First Destiel fic. Comments and criticisms are utmost welcome.

Castiel knew he was a little apprehensive... no wait, it was not the right term. Nervous yes, Castiel was nervous as a train wreck. His palms were sweating, hands were trembling, head was a little bit spinning and his mind was telling him to run and stay all at the same time. He could have a full-blown panic attack here the way his heart was running against the speed of his thoughts. He was a total mess inside but crying on the sidewalk was not the best course of action.

He thought he was done with this phase, that crying horrible mess stage of Castiel Novak who was desperate enough to do anything to forget. He thought after five years he was surely over that. The recent events showed him anything but.

One call from Dean Winchester and he was ready to lose his mind and he-... No, just his mind. Just his mind.

Dean Winchester. The name still brought shivers in his spine and an almost forgotten ache in his heart. Almost. 

Castiel tried so hard not to even think of his name for the past five years yet one measly phone call brought it all back.

How could one phone call wreck him so much? It has been five years, damn it. He is supposed to be over Dean. He should have been over Dean. Somehow one phone call turned years to hours, like it wasn't that long ago when everything went to hell.

The memories of that fateful day threatened to surface but Castiel pushed them back to the recesses of his mind. He knew they would come back later with a vengeance but not now. Not here, not right in front of the Winchester residence.

It was a lovely home, a standard brick house in the middle of a well-maintained lawn. Flowers and all other plants were in full bloom, but as a live as they were all Castiel could feel was death inside of him. Another unwanted memory resurged, one where he used to tend to the same garden and Dean would always try to deviate his attention. That was back when they were... were.

Castiel took a slow deep breath. It was now or never. He went up to the porch and knocked.

The twenty-five year old man thought he was ready to see him again, but seeing the actual man made all of his insides swirl into a hurricane of madness and anguish. He got the full onslaught of Dean Winchester as he opened the door. He could see the other man panting, probably done some work inside his home and got disturbed. Nothing much has changed on Dean Winchester, Castiel could see. Same vibrant green eyes that Castiel could get lost into, freckles on his face that Castiel used to make constellations with, still with the brown hair cut stylishly short, still a little bit taller than Cas. Somehow, some things changed as well. He more muscular now, as the defined arms and well-fitting dirty white tee could attest to that. He was somehow tanner and a little bit older with all the fine lines across his face. One thing never changed however: he was still as beautiful as Castiel could remember.

"Hi," was all Dean could muster, raising one hand to the air and the other rubbing behind his neck. He was nervous, Castiel could tell. Was his nerves also wrecking with his presence? Or this was just guilt written all over his face, after everything he had done? "I found it."

"I know, you called," Castiel replied curtly, hoping he sounded indifferent as possible. Hopefully, his subconscious would not show just yet with all of its tumultuous garbage.

"Right, follow me." Dean motioned him inside and turned back. Castiel stopped a sigh of relief was gushing out of his mouth. Silently, he walked in.

Another multitude of memories washed up on the shores of his mind. This house held a lot of them, and Castiel could not help but let them take over his reverie.

The first thing that greeted him was the couch. All of Dean's Top Gear magazine collection was still underneath the centre table, but the couch had changed. Not the wooden contraption that Castiel loved anyway. It was now the modern sofa with a navy blue foam. It fit the house, sure, but he could not reconcile the image inside his mind.

Next thing he noticed was all the other stuff remained unchanged. The same paintings still hung on the wall. The floor was still the wooden slats of memory and the TV was still hoisted above the massive fireplace opening with all of the photo albums still on its top. Castiel gingerly approached the photos. He was a stranger here now.

The photo albums were still in the same position. Dean's baby pictures on the far right with his baby brother Sam's nearby, their handful of high school photos together, and various hunting trips with their father John, some of their mother Mary... Snippets of every important happening in the Winchester household was documented right at the top of that very same fire place. Castiel noticed something that instantly tore through him.

There was one photo missing.

There was supposed to be a photo of him and Dean in between Sam's grad and their parents' wedding photos. It was a photo of him in his graduation ceremony with Dean wrapped around his arms, framed in simple wood unlike all the other ornate and metallic ones in the collection. It was also the day Dean decided to call Castiel the "love of his life" and that was the start of their life together. 

Instead, there was a photo of Dean's wedding with Lisa. And goddamn didn't that hurt.

Lisa could have the attention she wanted, with her looking so majestically beautiful in her flowing white gown. Dean, however, stole the show for Castiel. Dean's happiness could not have been more palpable as he smiled to the camera and all the stars in the sky could not hold the light that was shining in Dean's eyes right at those moments. 

Dean's undeniable joy in the photo made Castiel want to sob. He should not be here. He should turn back, get the fu- out of Dean's life and forget the trench coat. Why did he have to go back to this town, to this house for a trench coat? Who would actually do that?

Castiel was such a fool.

But the trench coat was important. The one and only thing his late mother had left for him. He lost it five years ago, and he never had the heart to replace it ever since. The trench coat held other memories as well, and Castiel could only hope that when he gets out he'll be run over by a truck, scatter his brains and end his miserable existence. If only it was as simple as that. 

Castiel was probably staring at the photo too much and all of his concentration was on trying not to let his tears fall that he didn’t notice Dean was standing right beside him with the coat on his outstretched hand. Castiel almost jumped out of surprise.

Dean looked like he was supposed to say anything but swallowed it down. A silence followed so thick that Castiel was sure it was affecting his breathing. Before he breaks down on the floor, he has to get out of there fast. A hasty thank you went out of his mouth as he turned to leave.

The other man's voice was enough to stop him though. "Please, wait."

Castiel refused to turn back for the fear of his emotions showing up unannounced. "Why? Is there something else I had forgotten?" He cursed his voice breaking at the end. No, he was not going to cry. Not here. Not here. Not here.

"I-" Dean tried, taking a deep breath. 

There was the palpable silence again, threatening to unravel the web of unspoken words between them. Castiel was expecting an apology, a simple sorry for everything Dean had done. For letting him believe that he would wait for Castiel after graduation, for making promises of going back to him and to be loyal and faithful while he’s still finishing, for creating such a perfect world for Castiel to believe that someone could love him for who he is.

In the end, it was all just an illusion. Dean had always wanted the apple-pie picket-fence life with a happy wife and children, something Castiel could understand. But lying to him about still seeing Lisa? Making her pregnant while he and Castiel were still in a relationship? And the gall of proposing to Lisa right in front of Castiel’s very eyes when he was supposed to meet Dean’s family?

If Sam didn’t tell him, Castiel could still be living a lie all this time.

He hated Dean. He is supposed to hate him, but even that was difficult. Why is everything so damn hard when it comes to Dean?

A word pulled him out from his thoughts. It was a soft “nothing”.

Castiel nodded to the empty space. "Yes, nothing." As nothing as what happened five years ago.

 

_Nothing it was just some fun._

_She was nothing..._

_Forget it, Cas...._

_We were nothing, Cas…_

 

As the tear drops started to fall, Castiel walked out of the door, promising himself he would never go back to this town again.

 

He did not even see the other man holding a wooden framed photo in his hand, tears also streaming down his face, regretting what happened five years ago.


End file.
